Hello! My name is Rick Love, and I’m a sexaholic (a sex addict). But, I am also a Christian, or I believe myself to be. I have been for about 60 years. In fact, I have been a Bible teacher, a deacon, a youth leader, and even a pastor. I even went to Bible College. But, none of that has stopped lust from being a major driving force in my life, or from me regularly acting out my lust in various ways, to the destruction of my marriage, to the utter ruin of my own spiritual life, and to the leading of others to follow in my footsteps.
I have a loving and supportive wife, though, who is a very strong Christian. For 45 years she has put up with my continual lies, deceptions, and my cheating on her regularly, even if it is only in my own mind, and my regularly and consistently preferring the easy way out – sex with myself in place of sex with her. Even though I have a 3-course meal available to me, I sometimes prefer the peanut butter sandwich, because it is easier, but it is a broken cistern which does not hold water.
And, even though she tries to help me to recovery, and does so lovingly, I end up stomping on her heart every time with my cutting remarks, my excuses for why I am not free, my false accusations against her, and my childish temper tantrums, intended to hurt her and to put her in her place.
The problem is that I am also a compulsive liar, and I even lie to myself. I try to convince myself that I am ok, and that I am making progress just because I give up one “other lover,” i.e. one sinful habit, while I strongly and defiantly hold on to another, and I even make excuses for doing so. I also try to shift the blame on to my wife, although she is not at fault in this. I even accuse her of being unloving, unkind, and unforgiving, although she has stayed the course with me, loved me through it all, and even lovingly counseled me in the right direction time and time again.
So, why do I do this? Why do I continue this destructive course while claiming to be a follower of Christ and a loving husband? Do I know better? Certainly, I do! It isn’t that I don’t know what to do, though I pretend over and over again that I don’t, but it is that I choose not to do what I know is right, and I choose to do what I know is wrong, time and time again, even though I know I am destroying my marriage, stomping on my wife’s heart, and ruining what could be a vital and productive relationship with Jesus Christ, where I live and work for his kingdom rather than to please myself, continuing to do so no matter who I hurt in the process.
I am not looking for you to answer these questions. The Bible is full of answers to my questions. And, I know the answers, too. Again, it isn’t that I don’t know what I need to do. It is that I choose to not do what I know is right, and I choose to do what is wrong. It may seem to me to be something else, but that is the real bottom line.
So, why am I writing this? I am writing this because I need someone, other than just my wife, to hold me to the fire. Yet, if I get no volunteers, that is still not an excuse for me to continue this course. I can’t use the excuse that no one gives a hoot just so that I can continue my sinful course. Even if I must walk alone in this, though I am not alone, I still have to do what is right. I must stop living to please myself, and I need to start living to please God, and to start loving my wife instead of just telling her that I love her, all the while I continue cheating on her and lying to her about it. She is not fooled, though. She knows the truth.
Maybe by being honest here and telling you where I am, you will at least pray for me, but even if you don’t, I still know what is right and what is wrong. I still know what I must do. For one, I must stop “trying” in my own flesh, and I have to let go and let God take control of my life. I must yield to him, deny self, and take up my cross daily and follow him. I don’t have the willpower or the strength to stop this sinful habit, but Jesus died on a cross to set me free, so in him I can be free, if I choose to be. He has given me all I need, and he will empower me to resist Satan, flee temptation, and draw near to him. I just have to do it. I just have to trust God with my own life instead of trying to run my own life.
This is where I am. And, this is the truth.