A Sexaholic

Hello! My name is Rick Love, and I’m a sexaholic (a sex addict). But, I am also a Christian, or I believe myself to be. I have been for about 60 years. In fact, I have been a Bible teacher, a deacon, a youth leader, and even a pastor. I even went to Bible College. But, none of that has stopped lust from being a major driving force in my life, or from me regularly acting out my lust in various ways, to the destruction of my marriage, to the utter ruin of my own spiritual life, and to the leading of others to follow in my footsteps.

I have a loving and supportive wife, though, who is a very strong Christian. For 45 years she has put up with my continual lies, deceptions, and my cheating on her regularly, even if it is only in my own mind, and my regularly and consistently preferring the easy way out – sex with myself in place of sex with her. Even though I have a 3-course meal available to me, I sometimes prefer the peanut butter sandwich, because it is easier, but it is a broken cistern which does not hold water.

And, even though she tries to help me to recovery, and does so lovingly, I end up stomping on her heart every time with my cutting remarks, my excuses for why I am not free, my false accusations against her, and my childish temper tantrums, intended to hurt her and to put her in her place.

The problem is that I am also a compulsive liar, and I even lie to myself. I try to convince myself that I am ok, and that I am making progress just because I give up one “other lover,” i.e. one sinful habit, while I strongly and defiantly hold on to another, and I even make excuses for doing so. I also try to shift the blame on to my wife, although she is not at fault in this. I even accuse her of being unloving, unkind, and unforgiving, although she has stayed the course with me, loved me through it all, and even lovingly counseled me in the right direction time and time again.

So, why do I do this? Why do I continue this destructive course while claiming to be a follower of Christ and a loving husband? Do I know better? Certainly, I do! It isn’t that I don’t know what to do, though I pretend over and over again that I don’t, but it is that I choose not to do what I know is right, and I choose to do what I know is wrong, time and time again, even though I know I am destroying my marriage, stomping on my wife’s heart, and ruining what could be a vital and productive relationship with Jesus Christ, where I live and work for his kingdom rather than to please myself, continuing to do so no matter who I hurt in the process.

I am not looking for you to answer these questions. The Bible is full of answers to my questions. And, I know the answers, too. Again, it isn’t that I don’t know what I need to do. It is that I choose to not do what I know is right, and I choose to do what is wrong. It may seem to me to be something else, but that is the real bottom line.

So, why am I writing this? I am writing this because I need someone, other than just my wife, to hold me to the fire. Yet, if I get no volunteers, that is still not an excuse for me to continue this course. I can’t use the excuse that no one gives a hoot just so that I can continue my sinful course. Even if I must walk alone in this, though I am not alone, I still have to do what is right. I must stop living to please myself, and I need to start living to please God, and to start loving my wife instead of just telling her that I love her, all the while I continue cheating on her and lying to her about it. She is not fooled, though. She knows the truth.

Maybe by being honest here and telling you where I am, you will at least pray for me, but even if you don’t, I still know what is right and what is wrong. I still know what I must do. For one, I must stop “trying” in my own flesh, and I have to let go and let God take control of my life. I must yield to him, deny self, and take up my cross daily and follow him. I don’t have the willpower or the strength to stop this sinful habit, but Jesus died on a cross to set me free, so in him I can be free, if I choose to be. He has given me all I need, and he will empower me to resist Satan, flee temptation, and draw near to him. I just have to do it. I just have to trust God with my own life instead of trying to run my own life.

This is where I am. And, this is the truth.

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8 Comments

  1. The SA fellowship https://www.sa.org has helped me greatly, I’ve been a member for about 2 years now. If you want to contact me at the email provided or on http://www.christianforums.com under the name provided you are welcome to do so and I would be happy to be an accountability partner to you. Most of our members exchange phone numbers so we can call on each other if we are triggered or feel the puppet strings of lust pulling us towards pornography or infidelity. Meetings and group phone meetings are available as well. It is very typical that the spouse or partner is ‘blamed’ and becomes the target of resentment when the addiction is threatened or taken away. Ungratefulness or taking things out on them in other unappreciative ways is normal as addiction results in an extreme self-centeredness and lack of coping mechanisms outside the addiction itself. Don’t try to tackle this alone. The SA fellowship’s literature and core program stems from Christianity (12 Step AA originated from the Oxford group). If you are looking for a miracle, God has already put one in place for you ahead of time.

  2. I am glad to pray you. Our desires were built into our human bodies by Our creator God, to promote the population of the human race, and to provide us the tenderness and joy of the intimacy involved. God wants this for us. But of course He gives us guidelines to follow in it to avoid hurting those we want to share our intimacy with. If we know we might hurt someone with our intimacy, then its not love and God does not want us to be animals, but spiritual beings with the focus of loving, both God and each other. If I love a dozen women (my wife, my mother, my sisters, women friends, etc), I should only be intimate with one, my wife. The others I am free to love, always free to love, but not with my body which was pledged to my wife. As to the ladies, each one of them that want the love I am willing to share, and that love is the best part of me, so they as well should be willing to be satisfied with that and not the additional intimacy of the body. Sexual desire is not something the man alone feels, but women as well. I have known many ladies that have known that I love them, but want a sexual experience as well, and they are then angry at me because I am not willing to share that part with them. All I can do is continue to love them and forgive them for their anger at me. But love is the great equalizer and eventually most will recognize that, and accept the body doesnt need to be included to receive the love we desire from our friends and family. So promote love as the better than sexual intimacy and strive for that, and you will go far. As to lust, when you feel it come upon you, fill your mind with a favorite scripture verse that deals with that situation, say it over and over again in your mind until the desire fades. My favorite is Prov 3:4-5
    Trust in the Lord with all your heart and LEAN NOT TO YOUR OWN understanding. In ALL your ways acknowledge Him and He WILL direct your paths.

    But there are others that apply, pick that which you like.

  3. Such an amazing and revealing post about yourself and your struggles, Rick. I liked when you posted, “…none of that has stopped lust from being a major driving force in my life, or from me regularly acting out my lust in various ways… the utter ruin of my own spiritual life.”

    I can relate with you because I have done some of the same things you have and I think that is what makes us human. Although I am not married, I am a liar and tend to do that when I try and get out of trouble and sometimes I do it because I can. I know that what I am doing is wrong by continuing to feed the flesh and not resist it, but as you said, “… though I pretend over and over again that I don’t, but it is that I choose not to do what I know is right, and I choose to do what I know is wrong, time and time again.”

    So, I commend you for stepping out and letting go of this temptation and I ask that if I were to “hold you over the fire” that you do the same with me. I know that I can’t resist the flesh and it’s temptations on my own and I need someone besides family and God to hold me accountable for it.

    • Thanks for your gracious reply and offer to help hold me accountable. This week I have been watching a Sexual Integrity conference and one of the big needs for folks like you and me who are at the beginning of being honest about our struggles with sexual sin is to have someone who is down the road of recovery with some time and success and passionate hatred of this lifestyle.

      I have been given leads both with Sexaholics Anonymous and with a group called the Sampson Society to help with this. I am already in contact with both and working to get help, but I’m in no position at this time to help anyone else other than to point them to find a better partner. I can tell you that the process of pulling out of the porn addiction and other sexual addictions is way over our heads to do alone, and things only get worse the longer you delay getting help.

      Again, thank you for your offer, but we might be like the blind leading the blind, with all our good intentions. Please do not put off finding a group, whether SA or whoever, so you can get the help you need as well. And let me know how you’re doing and I will continue to post on here as well.

      Thanks, Rick

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